10 unfinished/saved drafts and I’ve started this intro about 5 times now; its been a while.

I’ve recently felt such an itch to start writing again.

Perhaps at some given point or another, I expressed the reason why I started this journey of writing in the first place and if not, here it is.

I started sharing my experiences as a medically complex parent because writing about those experiences after they had happened or as they were actively happening was very therapeutic for me and if it happened to serve as encouragement or simply a good read for someone in the process, than great. Sadly, somewhere along the way, I lost the plot, motive, and desire to share. For a number of reasons. However, as I find myself where i am in motherhood right now, I am confronted with the overwhelming conviction that I still have so much to say. Not just about that season in particular, but the one I’m standing in right now and even sometimes a combination of both.

One truth I know we can all relate to is just how hard it is to reopen things and/or emotions from our past. Some may even believe its better to completely stay out of there. Recently, I’ve been pondering the notion of how many versions of myself exist out there. As my 30th birthday rolls around the corner, I have chosen to reflect on what my 20s have looked like and the layers are endless. But what I’m really stuck on, are those different versions. I’m stuck here because prior to having kids, there are versions of myself that I don’t remember. Even after having my girls, there are pieces of me that I’ve left either unfinished, unwritten and maybe even completely abandoned. See, the truth is after any major trauma, I fully believe that something in you changes; some would even say dies. Whether good or bad I think is genuinely seen on the other end of that said experience. But going back to those versions. I felt myself saddened at different moments this month by the idea that there is a very real reality that there may be versions of me living in someone’s head that would paint me out to be someone I no longer hold space for or even someone who I have learned to heal, correct and change; while still making it very clear that the work is still being done and grace is still working overtime.

I ask you, the same way I asked myself, where do we go from here? See, alongside this thought, the concept of time has also followed closely behind. While we cant go back to physically change decisions, outcomes and/or poorly thought out words we may have once said, we can choose today and right now to show up as the person who knows better, the person who recognized and better yet, the person who is willing to take accountability. We don’t have forever y’all. We think we have all this time to handle things later, do that thing the Lord has been pushing us to do later, to fix our ways later, to apologize later, to confront later, to be better later…. see a pattern here?

I don’t want to wait for a “later” anymore. I want to place myself or allow the opportunity to be in situations that while uncomfortable and maybe even new, one thing remains. My posture. I heard someone say recently that while the Lord alone controls the plan, we can control our posture. So in this series of my life I’d like to see as the “mom edit”, I don’t want to hold on to the idea that we go through certain things just for the sake of going through them, but rather to serve as witness to the goodness of God and to also serve as proof that we are constant works in progress. One thing I know for certain, is that the word of God says He who has started a good work in me, will carry it on to completion and whether we are dragged to the finish line with bruises and a couple amputations along the way, He will get us there (J.P.V Jossies Personal Version, haha.)