For the past couple of weeks, I have found myself turning back to this clip. Something that I never kept with the intention of sharing, but merely with the purpose to remind myself that God is always near even when you least expect him to be.

I remember going to this youth retreat two months into our hospital stay. As one would have it, my mom guilt was at an all time high because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was leaving her for even a second and especially in the predicament we found ourselves in at this time. Hannah had just gotten trached and it was a hard reality to face. But, truthfully I needed a life vest. I was drowning and fast. I was prayed out, tired and losing hope. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING, like believing the Lord is able to do something and WAITING on him to do something and yet, all you hear is radio-silence.

My cup was empty and I needed it to be filled.

At the time of this recording, it was Day 2 of the retreat and the Lord was moving in ways only He would. I recall people receiving deliverance, breakthroughs through worship and responses to elevated prayers. I was sitting next to a friend of mine, while ministration started and I remember the eagerness in my spirit to hear a word from the Lord. Pastor grabbed her mic and started moving as the spirit led her. In one moment, she looked in my direction and I thought to myself Okay Lord, I’m ready. My heart felt dismayed when I realized she wasn’t coming over to me but to my neighbor. And what a word she delivered to her. Praise God. However, in full transparency, as happy as I was for my friend, I felt myself literally melting into that chair as tears rolled down my face. I came all this way. Believing in a word. Waiting on a word. Hoping for a word and still nothing?

It was in that moment, as she ministered to someone else, the Lord had redirected her somewhere else or to someone else rather. With merely two to three utterances, the holy spirit had me on the floor weeping. I can recall the last time I cried like this. The first time was when I got the diagnoses and I recall feeling like my God had forgotten about me. The second time would be now, with him showing me that he is close enough to hear even my silent prayer.

A moment I still cherish. A real life recreation of Peter and Jesus as he saved one of his disciples from drowning in a storm by walking on water. Showing just what faith and faith alone can provoke.

Never early. Never late. My God.

ENG Translation: “There is someone here, praying for a daughter and here daughter has issues with her health. In this moment the holy spirit is revealing this to me. And she is praying for her daughter. I want to tell you this word the Lord is giving me. He’s telling me, tell her, that this sickness is for My glory. That sickness is so she can testify. That sickness that she is experiencing, is for her to testify. Its Me. It was me. It was I who sent her. It was I who put her there. It was I who made her. It was I. It was I. Because I am going to glorify myself. That is my faith says the Lord. That has to be your faith. That has to be your faith.