Disclaimer: I would not have made it through that period of my life, nor the current one I’m living in real-time, without the Lord. The purpose of this post is to shed light on very real emotions I think we all face when confronted with the unexpected curve balls life throws at us. But I promise you, sticking with Jesus will never be in vain.

Being angry with God is such a strange feeling. Out of reverence, it feels inappropriate to even feel that way. During that season and time when we were experiencing all of these complications with Hannah, I wouldn’t say I felt angry. Anger feels like such a superficial emotion that after a few hours or days, you’re able to come back to yourself. No, it was deeper than that. What I was feeling was profound. It was painful. I was hurt. Even now I struggle to put that feeling into words. I always hoped that when praying or when I took time to sit alone with myself, my tears would accurately translate all that my heart felt.

Once it was decided that we were going to go through with having the tracheostomy placed, I felt something in me wanting to let go. I wanted to let go of hope. I wanted to let go of love. I wanted to let go of God. I didn’t want to sing praises or keep my faith alive. What was the point, the contradicting voice in my head whispered. Don’t talk to me about Jesus, were the words I truly wanted to tell those that were fervently praying for our family. See, it became obvious to me in this season, that I was okay with sticking with Jesus when it worked out the way I wanted, but when it didn’t, I wanted out. Why is that? Why do we question the sovereignty of God when it doesn’t align with our expectations of how things should work out? But, at that precise moment, I was in a dark place. People wouldn’t understand this feeling because they never had to sit through the things I was currently drowning in. Up until recently, this way of thinking kept me locked in that place of hurt. Hurt is never a stopping point you want to marinate in; take it from me.

For the majority of the year, we spent in-between medical facilities, and a few months after that, I felt stuck. I couldn’t get past everything we had just undergone and that was keeping me from excelling in different areas of my life both spiritually and physically. My marriage, Being a first-time mom and showing up for myself and those around me. It’s hard. I won’t ever sit here and tell you otherwise. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that hurt and God’s will. A long time to accept that this is my reality and look past the feeling of it being a punishment, and rather a blessing, an honor to have been chosen and graced with the strength to raise my child.

I still have a lot of healing to do and I constantly make efforts in trying to restore my relationship with the Lord. This, however, will be constant no matter what kind of afflictions and difficulties you face in life. I get that now.

If there is anything I’d want you to take away from joining me as I continue to share our experiences, if nothing, is to stick with God even when you don’t feel like it, even when you are hurt or angry, even when it doesn’t make sense and especially when things don’t work out the way you’d hope they would. Seek him and don’t let up. I promise you, he’ll surprise you when you least expect it.