I couldn’t do it.

Even realizing now that I let the idea run rampant in my mind for a short period makes me feel guilty at times. But, I’ve extended grace to myself.

This section of the story is much harder to tell. Why you ask? Because it’s the part of our journey that impacted my faith the most. With our decision to continue with this pregnancy, came our refusal to believe that God couldn’t make our child whole and healthy. I refused to believe any diagnosis I was given from there on out because what can’t God do? Now, let me be very clear. Some of you may already know how this narrative shifts down the line, but in no way do the events that have taken place change my perspective on this. I’ve come to terms with the direction the Lord has taken when concerning our journey and I realize I needed to start it with this perspective to grow further in understanding how God really works. But, we’ll get into that a little later.

With every appointment we had, it seemed as though our faith in what would happen at the end of these nine months was tried and tested.” She won’t be able to play the piano or hold anything for that matter” were the exact words my OBGYN told me after the findings of our sonogram came together. Crazy enough, I stayed with this OBGYN until the end of my pregnancy term. I wanted to see his face when God came through. See, this is how sure I was that He would do it. He would change the direction this was going even at the last minute. Because, again, what can’t He do? More specifically, what won’t He do for ME? That was really a common dialogue I had with myself during this time. I thought that God would somehow ‘”favor” me because I believed in him. I thought it would give me a free pass.

Let me disclose that I had never felt closer to God than I did during this time. I had faith, don’t get me wrong, but nothing like this. I hate to admit that I’ve found moments in my life where God becomes the focal point only when I need something from Him. I think we can all attest to falling short in this area. Thank God for His grace and mercy. Nonetheless, at that moment, I just needed Him to make this “right”, I needed my fairytale ending. Before any of this had begun, I felt that I had grieved the loss of too many people and too many things already; this couldn’t be another thing on that list. I couldn’t take losing another fantasized moment in my life. I didn’t learn until much later, behind all of this was a lesson I needed to learn.

What is faith? Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not yet see; Hebrew 11:1. But what is faith when that confidence and assurance is met with God’s will? What if His perfect doesn’t seem so perfect after all?

June 3rd, the first day I walked into that hospital to give birth to my daughter, would be 1 of 285 days I spent in the hospital.

How could He do this to me?